GUEST Every NBA Team’s Best Candidate for MTV Cribs
Guest Writer Jonathan Coffman-
Jonathan is a Journalism Graduate out of college hoops powerhouse University of Kentucky. He lent Hoopsrambler his eye and chronicled the NBA’s best… suited for MTV’s classic show, Cribs.
In 2011, MTV dug its own grave and aired the last episode of MTV Cribs.
The show celebrates musicians, actors and athletes by letting them celebrate how rich they are. It was a wonderful arrangement.
Looking back on our fond memories of famous cribs, the worst part may be that we were robbed of the chance to see today’s NBA stunt on us. These days, the NBA has as much personality and interest as it ever has. Every team has a player that deserves to flex on the world with their cars, swimming pools, and home movie theaters.
So here’s to hoping the NBA inspires the comeback. Just shoot all the footage in the off-season then air the episodes during All-Star weekend. That’s a free idea; cash it.
Atlanta Hawks – Kris Humphries
The Kim K Boyfriend List is pretty exclusive. We’re talking Kanye West and Ray J. Of the trio, Humphries must be living the sweetest life, right? No distractions, stayed in the NBA as an average productive player, and cashed in. But Kris, if you’re ready to have your one petty moment Post-Kim, I’m here for it. You’re bigger than that, but you’ve earned it, my dude.
Boston Celtics – Isaiah Thomas
Here is a headline for you: “Thomas on contract: ‘They better bring out the Brinks truck’”
Incredible. The King of the Fourth has it all: personality, confidence, and he’s lookin’ for the Celtics to cut the check. Ideally, his episode would be filmed after his free agency payday. There is a 0% chance I make it through that episode without ordering his jersey.
Brooklyn Nets – Jeremy Lin
This video is vital for understanding Mr. Jeremy Lin. I believe 2015-2016 must have been a formative year for Jeremy’s swag. Following a year of rockin’ shoot-your-shot hairdos, Jeremy Lin scored a 3-year $36.3 million deal with the Brooklyn Nets. The universe is only fair if Lin is the owner of an absurd, beautiful home.
Charlotte Hornets – Frank Kaminsky
Thank you, Frank.
Chicago Bulls – Robin Lopez
There are two things that you need to know about Robin Lopez.
Ideally, this episode will show Robin sitting in his Game of Thrones style Hall of Faces, filled with the masks of mascots he’s destroyed, watching a series-long marathon of The Simpsons on FXX.
See what I mean?
Cleveland Cavaliers – J.R. Smith
I considered Kyrie. I’ve watched Richard Jefferson’s snaps. But sometimes, the right choice is the obvious one. NBA Champion J.R. Smith is the pick for the 2016-2017 Cavaliers, and he may be the worst missed opportunity for MTV Cribs. It’s a crying, shirtless shame.
Detroit Pistons – Boban Marjanovic
I’d love to see this episode because I want to know if Boban recites the “Fee-fi-fo-fum” rhyme once he discovers MTV in his beanstalk.
Indiana Pacers – Monta Ellis
In 2012, Ellis claimed the only difference between him and Dwyane Wade was a winning situation. His home probably has an indoor court. And someone in a Wade jersey hired to stand in front of the goal and get jammed on.
One can only hope.
Miami Heat – Dion Waiters
Sure, Hassan Whiteside would be a natural. But people like Hassan are the reason MTV Cribs is coming back exclusively on Snapchat. We’ve got seasons of the Whiteside household saved to the big man’s Snapchat Story. He would be good, but the people deserve real unfiltered irrational confidence. And when you look closely, Waiters Island has all that and more.
Milwaukee Bucks – Spencer Hawes
Let’s play a game. Take a look at these three headlines and guess which one is real.
- Spencer Hawes claims he has a dipset-themed guest bedroom in his house
- 76ers’ Spencer Hawes has toilet paper with Barack Obama’s face on it
- Philly Sixer Spencer Hawes dating way out of his league
Are you ready? Trick question: they’re all real! Seriously, look them up!
New York Knicks – Joakim Noah
When Joakim Noah entered the NBA, he quickly became a premier trash-talker. When he signed with New York, I figured he would be a perfect Knick, in spirit. His personality, in this hometown? Naturally, his crib is sick. The story reads: “The penthouse, fit for a Bond villain, has a front door that unlocks with a fingerprint.” Emphasis on ‘fit-for-a-Bond-villain’.
NYC Jo-No is no-brainer.
Orlando Magic – Mario Hezonja
Here is excerpt from an article titled “Mario Hezonja is the cockiest NBA draft prospect in years:”
Hezonja was asked earlier this year if he went to go see Lionel Messi play for FC Barcelona. He responded: “Let Messi come to see me.” Say no more.
Philadelphia 76ers – Joel Embiid
Listen, this is like J.R. Smith. There really is no defensible alternative. Joel Embiid isn’t only one of the funniest players the league, he’s one of the most exciting young prospects. I trust The Process. You should too. He would never lead us astray.
Toronto Raptors – DeMar Derozan
DeMar has been in Toronto his entire time in the league, so I figure he knows the 6 better than any of his teammates. And I mean, this is his second home, based in hometown Los Angeles. Give me a break.
Washington Wizards – Marcin Gortat
Gortat did an interview with USA Today, later titled “Behind the scenes with Marcin Gortat, the most interesting man in the NBA,” at Six Flags. So I’m sold.
Dallas Mavericks – Andrew Bogut
Who even knows if Andrew Bogut will be a Maverick by the time this is published? Back in early January, Bogut told Sky Sports that he doesn’t see himself “hanging around with everything that’s gone on” and that “it will be an interesting six months ahead.” So admittedly, I don’t have much interest in checking out Bogut’s house at the moment. But in six months? The rebound house will be a can’t-miss banger.
Denver Nuggets – Nikola Jokic
You know what happens when you drink like ten Cokes? You burp 7 Up.
Golden State Warriors – Klay Thompson
I think a lot of people would probably say Draymond, but honestly, to me there’s no question here. It’s Klay Thompson. Klay is a First Team MTV Cribs All-NBA selection, without a doubt. If you win an NBA championship, and follow it up with a TMZ headline like “Klay Thompson Underwater Twerk Fest …At Vegas Pool Rager,” you should at least host TRL for a week.
Houston Rockets – James Harden
Actually, if we’re talking MTV Cribs All-NBA teams, and it’s down to shooting guards…man. We have to pull a D’Antoni and move Harden to point guard, because both of these guys deserve love. Harden has a wild streak to him, a weird sense of humor, and keeps a money counter in his home. James Harden is an MVP on- and off-the-court.
Los Angeles Clippers – DeAndre Jordan
Blake Griffin genuinely seems like a funny, cool dude. But we all know that by now, right? I need to know more about DeAndre Jordan. There are at least three different stories in the LA Times on D.J. real estate news. I’m only watching if he goes back to the old hair though.
Los Angeles Lakers – D’Angelo Russell
Oh, Lake Show. How young and bright and hopeful you are. This is seriously tough because there are two obvious options (Russell and Swaggy P), along with Timofey Mozgov and my Dark Horse: Larry Nance Jr. Ultimately, I sided with Russell because he’s younger, weirder, and deserves to have a camera on him during his personal life.
Memphis Grizzlies – Chandler Parsons
Chandler Parsons signed his Dallas Mavericks contract in the club with Mark Cuban. Parsons likes to party, and he just got a max contract from the Memphis Grizzlies last summer. Think of the money this dude is spending now. He was made for this.
Minnesota Timberwolves – Zach Lavine
I’m bummed that Lavine tore his ACL. That sucks so bad. He is a maniac athlete, and comes off like a dude who is willing to ball-out and spend like crazy. That’s just my take away from how he dunks on people.
New Orleans Pelicans – Buddy Hield
You’re probably a bad person if you’re not rooting for Buddy Hield. That dude has been through so much, and had a great run at Oklahoma last year. It’s honestly so heartwarming that he could be less cool than I imagine, and I wouldn’t care. S/o to Buddy Hield.
Oklahoma City Thunder – Steven Adams
We’ve got another First-Teamer here. I love Steven Adams. You should love Steven Adams. Does Enes Kanter live there? I don’t believe either of them are married. Are the Stache Bros. roommates? Man, I hope so. God bless them.
Phoenix Suns – Devin Booker
Do you know who Devin Booker is really into? Devin Booker. Just watch. It’s perfect.
Portland Trail Blazers – Evan Turner
Turner is a way underrated quote machine. The common fan may not know what kind of dimes this guy is really droppin’ out here, so check out the Evan Turner quote master list, via NBA Reddit and posted by Hoops Rambler’s Alec Klincewicz. Here is my favorite:
“When I was dribbling, I was like, ‘Oh, snap, I’m at 15 feet, I’m about to end this.’ And then I thought about [Michael Jordan] passing to Steve Kerr. And I thought, ‘Well, let me add that to my legacy. I’ll pass one time.’ And that was it. It was unbelievable, actually. Ingenious by me.”
Evan, never stop being yourself, man. You are a national treasure.
Sacramento Kings – Matt Barnes
Oh, Matt Barnes. What can I say to you? You wear your emotions on your sleeve, much to the delight of all but Derek Fisher. You’re misunderstood. You’re just lost in the world. Use this MTV Cribs opportunity to air it all out. Lay back on your luxurious couch, and tell us all about it. Us viewers are happy to be the therapists. Please don’t snap on us.
San Antonio Spurs – Kawhi Leonard
The appeal is just hearing Kawhi brag about something, or actually speak at all.
Utah Jazz – Boris Diaw
‘The Jazz’s growing coffee group’ is led by everyone’s favorite role player, Mr. Boris Diaw. League Pass viewers were all-in on the Jazz before, but then they added Diaw, and that’s about as good as it gets. Boris is in that rarified zone of fan interest that exceeds his play. So, Boris, take us to the mountains, make us your best espresso, and show us the two new huskies you got since moving to Utah. What a time to be alive.