"There is no Pepe Sanchez" The LeBron James to Philadelphia Illuminati Pyramid
I think it is safe to say LeBron James has had a storybook life. Emerging out of extreme disadvantage from Akron Ohio, by the time James was 16 years old he had high school basketball games on national television. It was written.
The weight of insurmountable expectation placed squarely between his hulking shoulders, James rose to the occasion each and every time he was called upon. LeBron James is the greatest player in the era of cyclical hype, and the only player in that era that has truly taken what it means to surpass expectations and wrung it by the neck.. The sky was the limit and LeBron James left the solar system years ago. Still going.
He was a man of the people. He played for Cleveland, just miles from where he was born and raised. He was the chosen one. He was the man who was going to lead this city- Cleveland- the town that had literally been held down and punched repeatedly in the testicles by sports gods and associated parties- to a championship.
But then he wasn’t. Then he was gone. To fucking Miami.
He won two championships there. The Cavaliers could only watch as the only man who had ever made them worth a damn dined beneath palm trees as his gaudy rings clattered against silver plated dinner china. But then LeBron did something that really gave credence to his magnitude.
He came home… and everyone in Cleveland simply shut the fuck up and loved him again. What choice did they have? He came back for them.
And then he beat the greatest team in regular season history in 7 games in the NBA finals- and no one in Cleveland could say shit ever again.
He’d done what Ohio had birthed him to do.
So… now what?
Of course toiling away in the most cursed sports city in the U.S. sounds okay… Nearly dragging the team he had nearly personally assembled to finals series after finals series, breaking tax brackets for both his cohorts and himself the whole merry way. That sounds okay. But you know what sounds better?
Big cities. Mass media. Real front offices. Organizations with… organization.
The Cleveland Cavaliers did their best with what they’d been provided (not really), but at the end of the day being in Cleveland (and all that comes with it in sports) is reason enough to get as far away as humanly possible from that burning tire fire. James owes them nothing. They know it, he knows it. LeBron James has become a global brand with absolutely no thanks to the C L E. If he gives enough of a shit to do so- if all the money and the fame and the rings and the admiration of his hometown are not enough… He can go after Michael Jordan. The greatest. But he can’t do it there.
But if not there, where? Well, obviously I don’t know. If you do know, bet your life savings on it. But you don’t know, so all we can do is play the odds, and personally? I bet on what I know (that’s a lie I don’t gamble it gives me anxiety), and I know the City of Philadelphia. So strap on your tinfoil hat and stare at the back of a one dollar bill for 45 minutes, because it’s about to get Kyrie Irving up in this muhhfuhh.
THE LEBRON JAMES TO PHILADELPHIA ILLUMINATI PYRAMID.
My plan here is to start with the obvious. I’m going to go over the reasons why Philadelphia would be an attractive destination for LeBron James once he decides (this is not at all set in stone) obviously to leave the radioactive wasteland that is Cleveland, Ohio. (Please don’t read this LeBron I’m sure it’s really, really ni… ah I can’t do it). I’m going to continue my way up the pyramid from there, based on this foundation of rock solid truth, to plan to bring you to the pinnacle of woke-ness regarding The King’s imminent departure for the City of Brotherly Love. At some point along the way I will lose most of you. That’s fine with me- you didn’t precaution yourself properly against the chemtrails. You’re a lost soul.
1. A MAX CONTRACT
So LeBron James has been on record saying he will not accept less than the maximum salary available for the foreseeable future. The players union, of which he is a major representative, does not believe that would be good for the league. It would not be.
Guess who has all the monies? The Philadelphia 76ers do. Upon shedding a few meddlesome expiring contracts and feeding Jerryd Bayless to wolves, the Sixers will open up an enormous amount of cap room- enough for James and then some. That is a pretty attractive thing right off the bat considering it eliminates a good number of teams from contention immediately. James should command around 38M just for the 2018-19 Season. The Sixers could have upwards of 50M if things work out as expected. So yeah money is cool. Money is cool.
2. THE EASTERN CONFERENCE
Fuck playing in the Western Conference. It sounds so hard. The Warriors are arguably the best team of all time. The Rockets are doing weird shit and scoring a bajillion points per game. The Timberwolves are trying really hard and are super young. Anthony Davis and Boogie Cousins are on the same team. Westbrook, PG13, and Melo are… waiting until its time to try I guess. Rudy Gobert will pipe you across the dome with his gigantic french… arms… The point is the West is a bloodbath. In the East LeBron has to worry about 2 things- his teammates, and the Celtics. We’ll get into this more later, but the point is, being in the East is without a doubt the right move if you want to go to the Finals without having to expend 100% energy.
3. YOUNG TALENT
The Sixers are young, really really young. As I write this, the Sixers are good. Really pretty good. Maybe better than pretty good, but I’m not going to put my balls out there like that. Ben Simmons, despite a lack of a jump shot is playing at an All Star Level as a rookie. Joel Embiid is doing things unseen by man since the great big men of yore. Dario Saric, TJ McConnell, Richaun Holmes, Robert Covington. The young cast is producing, and few players could say they would dislike playing with this team. They’re young, full of energy and they compete. LeBron left MIAMI for Dion Waiters and Tristan Thompson okay? He’s thinking about this.
3.5. James plays more minutes than anyone else in the NBA every year, literally has never had a major injury, and has gone to the finals every year since fucking 2010. In 2010 people thought Facebook was cool still. There was a MOVIE ABOUT IT. And people were like YEAH! FACEBOOK MOVIE! THIS IS COOL. A BILLION DOLLARS! NOT THE KING! JUST…. KING…. okay I’m done.
4. CHEAP TALENT
Sam Hinkie did the damn thing. Robert Covington is already one of the best contracts in the league and he just fucking signed his deal. TJ McConnell is on the Hinkie Special- 4 years, 1M, each year a team option. There are a bunch of rookie deals too, and along with the fact that teams can go over their salary cap to sign their homegrown players (an even more emphasized point in the new central bargaining agreement), this pretty much means this talent can stick around. LeBron won’t have to worry about looking weak by caving to a front office and taking less. Get paid. Eat cheesesteaks. Bitch around Bryan Colangelo. Just don’t touch like 5 guys and you’re good buddy.
5. MORE CAP SPACE
If the Sixers could swing a sign and trade, they would have room for another Maximum Salary star as I understand it (math scares me but I’ve heard this a number of times).. Regardless, there is a lot of money leftover to fill the bench as LeBron James sees fit- he has shown in the past that he prefers to staff certain areas of the roster with players of his liking. These have typically been veterans, however as he ages he may prefer to take that role on his own and allow the Sixers development staff, which so far has been excellent if you aren’t Jahlil Okafor, work their magic. Point is there is money beyond LeBron’s contract. Not many teams that could offer a shot at the playoffs can boast that.
6. BIG MEDIA MARKET
Estimates place Philadelphia anywhere between the 4th and 7th largest NBA media Market in the US. As evidenced by JJ Redick’s statement this summer about Philly as a “real sports city” (he played a decent number of seasons previous in LA), the atmosphere in Philly’s Wells Fargo Center is electric. It is no secret LeBron James is brand oriented. It may not land him the endorsement cash New York or Los Angeles will, but beyond the teams in those cities (which generally cannot afford him or suck), Philadelphia is a tremendous option in regard to brand building and exposure.
7. CLOSE TO NEW YORK (Okay, okay stfu)
Fuck that hurt to write.
Not wrong though. It is no secret LeBron James loves his status as a cultural icon, and there are few places better to do that than New York City. Luckily it isn’t very far. Its like 2 hours away give or take, and a smidge over an hour by Amtrak- which I assume James could own if he fucking wanted. Shit, JJ Redick lives in Brooklyn and commutes every day. You don’t see him complaining do you?
So, I told you we would come back to this. Ben Simmons is the closest thing to LeBron James we’ve seen since The King has entered the league. Prolific passers with otherworldly athletic profiles. Something like three years before Simmons even entered the league LeBron took him under his wing. From that moment Simmons has grown into a man. 2-3 inches taller than James, fast as a racehorse with a tight handle and zero jumpshot. James considers Simmons his protege. He went so far as to say that Simmons could be better than he himself someday. For those who do not know LeBron James (somehow), he’s not a particularly humble man. This is the highest of praise. LeBron James is a teacher by nature. He makes the players around him better not only with his play but with his knowledge and his ability to convey that knowledge. He wants to be around Ben Simmons, there is little doubt about that. They worked out together multiple times over the Summer of 2017 if you’re going to be a dick about it. By the way, Simmons, a fellow #1 overall pick alongside LeBron, is signed to a large deal with Nike- the company that made James a billion dollar man.
9. MARKELLE FULTZ
Another day, another highly touted #1 pick. Finally the Sixers select a guard and of course he has yet to be seen save for a a few appearances with a bum shoulder before being told to quit toughing it out fix his shit. Before that, however- as many #1 overall picks do- Fultz signed a large deal with Nike… just as Simmons did. In FACT, over the course of the Summer, and most recently in November, Fultz was spotted on Instagram rocking LeBron’s signature Nike line. He went so far as to tag the King’s handle on his Instagram story while displaying a custom
pair of LeBron Soldier 11 Sneaks (rumored to be James’ favorite model). They even bore Fultz’s signature hashtag across the front “#F2G”- faithful to the grind. A young star rocking a brand line extension of the LeBron sneaker wouldn’t exactly hurt James’ everlasting hunt for Michael Jordan’s ghost. Fultz could have been getting primed for a true P.E. before being sidelined by injury… as is tradition for Sixers rook. TTP.
10. FUCK KYRIE IRVING AND THE BOSTON CELTICS
Over the Summer of 2017, Kyrie Irving, James’ previous object of tutelage (before Ben Simmons) abandoned the Cleveland Cavaliers after a tough Championship loss to the Golden State Warriors for the greener pastures of the Boston. LeBron made it obvious he was not super jazzed about the whole ordeal, and although he respected Kyrie’s urge to go win one on his own, I’m pretty sure he also thought something like … “Fuck you midget. I made you.” The 76ers have long hated the Boston Celtics despite not being the clear object of their ire, as that position belongs forever to the Los Angeles Lakers. What better way to stick it to your insubordinate child than to ensure he will NEVER FIND HAPPINESS, taking your new 6’11’’ point guard’s dick and mollywhopping the delinquent’s brain into the side of his skull so hard it decides the world is not fucking flat. Fuck the Celtics. I know LeBron feels this way. I feel it in my bones.
11. INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS IS BOOMIN’
The Philadelphia 76ers are not only one of the youngest teams in the NBA, but one of the most internationally represented as well, with players this season heiling from Cameroon, Croatia, France, Australia, Canada, and Turkey. What could be better than for your brand than indoctrinating the world with constant, governmentally sponsored television broadcasts bumping propaganda about how good your team is? … which is how I assume everyone else does it. We’re really starting to unravel here. Chemicals in the water are confusing the school children into believing evolution.
12. JJ REDICK ON THE UNINTERRUPTED
Over the course of the summer, Sixer JJ Redick’s free agency decision was chronicled on James’ media network “The Uninterrupted”. So that was pretty cool… Redick is a well-known podcaster and was one of the first players to break the modern media barrier when he signed a deal with Yahoo, who originally carried his bi-monthly podcast on their NBA network “The Vertical”. Redick eventually left and was poised to join James’ network. On the first episode he interviewed LeBron’s childhood friend and the CEO of many James’ business ventures Maverick Carter. Nothing further materialized, though Carter was seen sitting beside Sixers owner Josh Harris in a late November 76ers game vs. the Cavaliers…………………… Stay woke.
13. HE LOVES CARSON WENTZ I AM NOT REACHING HERE
THE EAGLES ARE GOING TO WIN THE FUCKING SUPERBOWL AND LEBRON IS GOING TO CARRY NELSON AGHOLOR CRYING IN HIS ARMS TO THE FOOT OF THE ROCKY STATUE WHERE TOGETHER THEY WILL SACRIFICE CALEB STURGIS TO GOD.
14. A RANDOM SIGN I SAW ON THE INTERNET
LeBron James as evidenced is an incredible businessman. Beyond his undeniable greatness on the basketball court. One of his more lucrative investments, Blaze Pizza, in 2017 became the fastest growing pizza chain in fucking history. Thats wild. Well the other day, shared via James’ twitter, a letter from a Blaze Pizza chain to The King. It reads:
“Hey LeBron, thanks for being part of the team and inspiring us to strive for greatness.”
-The Blaze Pizza Team
(On the table underneath of it) “Winning over Philadelphia sports fans is no holiday.”
He might as well be reading an instruction manual on how to make Philly fans happy. 1. Give us pizza. 2. Win fuck loads of championships and be my best friend LeBron please.
15. I GOOGLED “LEBRON + THE PROCESS” AND HERE ARE SOME RESULTS.
I remind you that it is possible none of these are photoshopped. Some of them may have actually been made by LeBron James himself.
(Haha okay I made this one)
Can you feel it? The truth? Are your eyes open? Do you strongly feel this article has not at all gone horribly, horribly awry?
That’s what it feels like to know the truth. I am simply its vehicle.
LeBron James has a lot of things left to consider over the course this season. When Kyrie Irving forced his way out, he was replaced by yet another diminutive sparkplug, Isaiah Thomas. Thomas has not yet seen the floor in the 2017-18 season due to injury. There is so much left to play out. Inevitably, LeBron is going to do what is best for his happiness, his goals, and his legacy. That much we know. To pretend to we are able to so easily place ourselves into the mind of a man who is a walking supercomputer duct-taped to a terminator is almost as silly as thinking the government is listening to our pho… okay bad example.
Point is, we don’t know. But people fear what they don’t know. Some psychologists argue many conspiracy theorists concoct or subscribe to these theories in order to bring order to the otherwise flippant and unstable nature of the human thought process. Others claim it stems from an inherent need to be unique or even from narcissistic tendencies (#TheChosenOne, #TheKing, #StriveForGreatness). But to set your knowledge base in something you can believe with unbreakable conviction certainly has its appeal, even if it involves the complete rejection of factual reality. Reject fear, reject the unknown, reject the naysayers, believe in your truth, have faith in your procedure, trust the pro…ss…pective… you have… That… Trust that.
Right. LeBron 2018. Mark it down.
*I do not condone blindly following conspiracy theories. The Earth is round.*